a strange occurrence

Tuesday night the STBX invited me to dinner to see the kids.  Seeing as we’d been getting along better I accepted and headed over to his house to eat pizza.  The girls were happy to see me and I suspect they enjoyed having their parents sit down to dinner together.

After dinner I helped him put the kids to bed and went back downstairs.  I was considering putting my coat on and heading home.  I was standing in the dining room with the STBX.

Now I’m not sure how to retell the next part.  I can tell you what they say happened or I can tell you things from my point of view…I think I’ll stick to my point of view and leave you in a little suspense.

So I was standing in the dining room with the STBX.  Then I am laying down on the floor, my neighbor is standing over me asking me if I’m ok.  There are strange men asking me what the date is.  The scary thing was that I could not answer them.  I didn’t know the date!  They asked me other questions I didn’t know the answer to and I got really freaked out.  I didn’t know who these men were and all I could think was that they were going to take me away if I got the answers wrong.  The next question was “who is the president?”  I got it right!

I was put on a stretcher and carried outside to an ambulance.  As I was leaving the house I noticed what I would later be told was a total of 7 men, paramedics and policemen.  My 2 neighbors were there as well as the STBX.

In the ambulance I was hooked up to an IV and rushed to the ER.  The next bit is extremely foggy to me.  At some point the STBX showed up at the ER telling me that his sister was with the kids.

He began to explain to me what happened.  As we were standing in the dining room he turned around to look at me and I just fell over face first, stiff as a board.  I had landed with my torso over the seat of a chair.  I started convulsing for about 30 seconds and fell face first onto the floor where I laid still.  A seizure. 

I’ve been through 2 CT scans, an MRI/MRA, an EEG and countless blood tests.  No one knows what happened or why.  I’ve suffered 2 seizures since.  I am on my second hospital stay where I’ve been put on Dilantin, an anti seizure medication.

The strange thing about all this: STBX hasn’t left my side since it happened.

you’ve come a long way, baby

Well, almost 9 months after I left the STBX a lot has changed.  He and I can be in the same room without wanting to kill each other.  I am learning to share my children and don’t want to cry every time they go to stay with their dad.  I’ve developed a social life; not a really happening one, but I get out at least once a week.  I do enjoy the time to myself too, though.  My girls seem to have adjusted to life in 2 homes, but we are going back to therapy this week.  I got out of the habit of taking them due to a chaotic work week, for the last few months, but I think they need to keep going.

Today the STBX and the girls stopped by to pick up their backpacks with homework and some clothes for school.  He asked if he could come in, which usually unnerves me.  So, I hesitantly told him it was ok to come in.  He sat down while I looked for their clothes, and he played with my cat (not the one that ran away).  Then I sat down and Girl#2 hopped in my lap.  Girl#1 showed off her new ipod to her dad.  He sat there playing with it for about 10 minutes.  I was waiting for the judgement, “this is too extravagant a gift for her” or “this was too much money.”  It came in the form of “this was quite a gift you got here.”  Not sure if that was sincere or critical.  I’m used to the criticism, but I like to give him the benefit of the doubt and think maybe he wasn’t.  Yes, it’s a bit of an extravagant gift for her, but she’d been coveting it for a year now.  She steals everyone’s iphones and ipods to play with them.  She’s always using my ipod to listen to music.  She’s a great kid who gives me no trouble.  She even started saving to buy herself one.  I think she deserves it.  Anyhow…

So here we sat, the 4 of us.  Girl#2 was smiling from ear to ear.  They must enjoy it when they have both of us together without fighting.  As they went to leave Girl2 turned around and said to me “I’m proud of you 2, you didn’t fight.”

Sad Day

It’s a sad day here in my grown up house.

I returned from work yesterday with my daughters.  Immediately Girl#1 stumbled upon her birthday present which I ever so stupidly forgot to hide before I left for work yesterday.  She was grinning from ear to ear.  She’d been coveting this gift; the newest ipod.  So, I let her keep it.  Her birthday isn’t too far off anyhow.  So last night she sat on the ipod all night playing and listening to music.  And no one noticed the missing cat.

I put the kids to bed.  I settled onto the couch getting ready to enjoy the quiet.  Then I realized the baby cat was missing.  She is 3 years old and by far my daughters’ favorite cat.  The older 2 are just cranky old cats.  This one, Jasmine, cuddled with my girls and played with them.

I got up and looked everywhere, but I knew there was a problem immediately.  That cat is always out and about.  How did we not notice she was missing sooner?

How did she get out?  The only thing I can think of is the cleaning lady.  She had been there during the day.  The cat was there when I left for work and she was not there when I returned from work.

So this morning after the kids woke up, Girl#1 started immediately looking for Jasmine.  Of course no one could find her.  So I sat the girls down and explained what I thought had happened.  And we all cried together.

I promised them I would stay home from work and call the shelters, vets, humane society, put up flyers and contact the neighbors.  They begged me to let them help.  So I let them stay home from work and help me.  We wrote up flyers and put them in all the mailboxes of the neighbors in the surrounding few blocks.  We hung some up on telephone poles.  I pinned a few up at local stores on their bulletin boards.  I even posted an ad on Craigs List.

Every hour or so one of the girls comes over to me in tears needing a hug.  They loved this cat.  She was named after the princess in the Disney movie, Aladdin.  That cat was our princess.  I’m going to miss her too.

Missing In Action

That’s me.  Missing in action. 

Sorry I’ve been gone.  I’ve received a few lovely emails and messages inquiring as to how I am doing.  So i thought I’d pop on here and post for you.  I also have just made a commitment to myself to start blogging again.  It’s a great outlet for me to get my feelings out and process them.  I look forward to starting again.

The girls started school.  We finally came to an agreement on where they should go.

I’ve not had the nerve to back out of the co-counseling with the STBX and consequently am now feeling a therapy overload.  I just need a break from talking about all my problems and analyzing them to death.  I kind of just want to enjoy life and move on from STBX.  I’m ready for the divorce to be final.

Speaking of, that won’t happen until next year now.  I’ve agreed to wait so we can file as married for one more year.  I guess it’s better tax-wise.  Whatever.

I’m doing ok.  I’m reading more again.  I’m currently engrossed in the book “The Help.”  And am loving it.  I highly recommend it.  I picked up 2 books on learning PhotoShop and am playing around with that more.  It fills the time and I am enjoying it, as it lets me try to be a little creative.  I don’t think I’m very creative, but it’s fun none the less.  Also, I have football.  Who isn’t excited when football season starts up and you get to start rooting for your favorite teams?  So things are improving.

I did have a little meltdown about 2 weeks ago…missing my kids, mad at STBX and just being frustrated all together about everything.  I suppose those things will still happen from time to time, but the episodes are coming less frequently.

I’ve dated a little bit.  Nothing serious, but for fun.  That’s brought about some funny things and might be worth a post or two.  I’ve come to the conclusion that all men are morons.  haha

So hi again!  Hope to “see” you all one way or another real soon.  I’ve not visited your blogs in a while either.  I will be catching up with each and every one of you via your blogs and hope to find that you all are doing well.

Funky

I haven’t known what to post.  Things were just moving along and everything was status quo. 

But now, to be honest I’m in a funk.  I’m sick of sharing my kids.  I want them with me all of the time.  I missed them like hell when they were on vacation with their dad.  I’m sick of fighting with the STBX.  I wish the fighting would just stop.  I can’t take it anymore.  We fight about everything.  Stupid stuff and real stuff.  We just fight every time we see each other.  It’s unnerving.

School has started and getting the kids ready was left all up to me.  My house is a mess and I need to clean it.  Work is really busy.  So I have a lot on my plate.

I’m overwhelmed and I can’t seem to break out of the funk and find something to smile about, except yesterday when I watched Girl#2 giggle so hard at a joke that her belly started to hurt.

A Decision

And so the fighting continues.  I agreed to go to this counselor with the stbx in order to help him and thought maybe it would help me too.  But after being blasted 3 times in 2 days I’m really doubting if he’s taking advantage of this opportunity.

The therapist discussed his condescending and negative behavior.  Stbx agreed that it was a very counter productive thing to do and he needed to stop doing it to me.  It’s part of a very bad pattern of behavior between us and we get into this cycle, spin and spin and can’t get out of it.  He agreed.  I agreed.  We agreed we each would own up to what we were doing wrong and try to change that so we could break that bad pattern.  And yet 2 hours after the session he called me up and started in on me with names, insults and basically telling me that I’ll be worthless without him.

The therapist is superb.  I really like him.  I’ve made an appointment to see him myself, alone.  But I’ve made a decision on joint therapy and I’m not going back.  I don’t see it helping us, we aren’t getting back together so I feel it’s a waste of my time and energy.

Tired

I’m just tired of the constant battling.  And I don’t see how it’s going to stop.  I feel like I’m going to be fighting this man for the rest of my life.  I left home to get away from this.  I engaged in couples counseling.  I even agreed to continue with more therapy to better us both as separate people trying to parent together.  And all we do is fight. 

He neglected to return my many phone calls to discuss childcare for the week.  Without his input I cannot read his mind to know what he has going on.  So I left him a message and told him that unless I heard back from him I was assuming he had daycare covered for the days the kids were in his charge and I wouldn’t worry about setting anything up.  So he turns up at my house today ready for my neighbor to watch Girl#1.  When I explained I didn’t get a sitter he lost his temper.  According to him I dropped the ball.

What am I to do if he doesn’t actually listen to his messages?  He doesn’t read his emails either.  He doesn’t actually return phone calls.  Without the communication co-parenting isn’t going to work and he’s not communicating with me.  I’m just so tired of it all.   I don’t want to spend the rest of my life fighting with this man.  I can’t be married to him, but how do you work with someone who just wants to be mad at you all the time?

Dividing Up The Friends

First we figured out how often the kids would get to see their dad and when.  Then we had to figure out child support and agree upon division of some other finances until we can completely separate ourselves from one another.  We haven’t totally agreed upon the division of assets yet or spousal support, but we’ll get there.  All in good time.

The thing the lawyer can’t help us with is dividing up the friends.  And I know some of the friends don’t know what is going on.

For instance there’s the neighbor.  She and I have been close for years.  Her husband and STBX enjoyed each other and often drank beers together.  Well, on the fateful day that STBX went to jail she called the police.  She had come over and I tried to shoe the kids out of the house with her.  STBX got in her face, she got back in his, then she went home and called the cops because she didn’t like what she saw.  Apparently STBX won’t even look at her or her husband any longer, and they are living next door to one another.

The sister in law refuses to speak to my former neighbors too.  She is of course being protective of her brother, but I’ve often thought that the sister in law gets too worked up over things that aren’t her business.  And I think it makes her look back to publicly ignore someone the way she has ignored my friend/neighbor.

Of course I’ve been losing the sister in law for a while, which we all knew would happen.  I don’t talk to her unless I have to pick up my girls from her house.  We used to see each other everyday.

Then there’s Uncle M and Uncle J…the best gay uncles my girls could have asked for.  They really aren’t uncles to my kids, but they are close enough to the family that we call them that.  They were first the sister in law’s friends.  But over the years became close to both STBX and me.  I know they still stop by and see STBX once a week and play with the girls.  I haven’t seen them since I moved.  I’m told they ask about me and ask if I hate them.  These poor boys worry that they’ve upset me.  More so I avoided them because I couldn’t bear to talk about the situation with any more people.  Only I’ve missed out on some fun times with them.  I will see them tomorrow at a party at my old neighbor’s house.  I hope it’s not too awkward.  I kind of feel like STBX will get them in the divorce, as they were old college friends of the sister in law.  We’ll see, but I’m not sure how easy it is to share friends.

There are other friends that will get lost in this whole mess.  Our friends S and C.  S worked with STBX and C worked with me.  They met and fell in love with each other just by virtue of knowing STBX and me, and our families have grown together.  We’ve enjoyed having another couple friend with kids to hang out with.  S tries to be friends with both of us.  I saw him for dinner last night and he saw STBX the night before.  But we very carefully steer clear of any divorce talk, which makes for some awkward silences.  I wonder who will get them in the divorce.

There are others…friends that will gravitate towards me and some towards him.  It makes me a little sad, though.  Because all of them are people I’ve loved having in my life.

Recommended Reading

I want to send you over to a blog my friend, Shannon, composes.  She keeps me laughing day in and day out.  However, today’s entry was extraordinarily funny.  Check her out at First State Fun.

Selfish Is Not Necessarily An Ugly Word

A commenter asked me why I thought it was selfish to think about my own happiness because I don’t have the energy to fight for my marriage.  I do have the fight in me to find happiness.  I called that selfish and the commenter asked me why I did that.

My therapist has been teaching me that being selfish isn’t necessarily an ugly thing.  We’ve given it a bad connotation and so many people (myself included) have started to think that any act that benefits only yourself is selfish.  And so these people stop taking care of themselves as it feels wrong/selfish.

But we have to take care of ourselves.  We have to put the energy towards keeping ourselves happy and healthy.  And that is not bad selfish, it’s good selfish.  In thinking about one’s self it can feel as if you are neglecting others when they need you, but that’s not always the case.  Often thinking only about yourself benefits you and others will be happy for you. 

Maybe I needed to use a better word, but I’m trying not to think of the word selfish as only a bad thing, as I need to learn to worry more about myself and less about others.  I won’t achieve the kind of happiness I need and want unless I can learn to be a little more “selfish.”